The Firsts We Never Got
Today should’ve been different.
There should’ve been cake.
There should’ve been balloons tied to a high chair.
There should’ve been a little blonde boy with messy hair and cake all over his face.
Today should’ve been your first birthday, Walker Reese.
But instead of planning a party, I lit a candle.
Instead of wrapping toys, I wrapped my arms around empty air.
Instead of hearing you laugh, I sat in silence, crying for what could’ve been.
We missed all of your firsts.
Your first breath.
Your first cry.
Your first step, first word, first everything.
And even though I never got to hear your voice, my heart still remembers the sound of your name.
Spoken in prayers. Whispered through tears. Etched into every corner of my motherhood.
There are days I wonder what you would’ve looked like now. Would you be Early’s twin? Would you be crawling or already walking by now?
And sometimes the weight of wondering makes it hard to breathe.
But even as I sit in the grief, I know this:
You are more than just a memory.
You are a promise.
A reminder that love isn’t measured in time, but in presence. And your presence , though so very brief, has marked me forever.
I asked God to heal you and to save you, and He did, sweet boy. Oh, how He did. He healed you the moment your heartbeat stopped. He held you when I couldn’t. He named you His own before I ever knew what your future would hold. And I trust that He is still writing your story into mine. Because your name and our grief has helped us help others find beauty in the ashes, and has helped us help them find healing in God.
So today, we celebrate the life that was, even if it never looked the way I imagined. I celebrate the baby boy who made me a mama, and the two before him who never had a name. We celebrate the tiny life that taught me what it means to love without limits, even in loss.
Happy first birthday, Walker Reese.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18
NILMDTS Photograph of Walker Reese Whitaker 12/31/2023
