Today didn’t go the way we hoped it would.
We had a consultation appointment with a new clinic, and honestly, I walked into it hoping we would leave with answers. Or at least a clear plan. A direction. A “this is what comes next.”
Instead, we were referred to a different clinic.
And I know that isn’t bad news because our new doctor was completely honest with us on his knowledge and opinions on what we have already done and I know referrals can be helpful, necessary, and even part of God’s provision... but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel disappointed.
Because when you’ve already been waiting, another step can feel like another delay.
Another phone call. Another appointment. Another set of questions. Another place to explain our story. Another moment of realizing that we still aren’t there yet and we still don't have answers as to why I'm not getting pregnant.
And I found myself thinking, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
But even when I know that’s true, it doesn’t make the waiting easy. At all. Not even a little bit.
Before we even started getting ready for our appointment, I opened my phone to my daily devotional. Today is was called “This Hard Time Can Be a Holy Time” by Lysa TerKeurst, and the timing of it felt like one of those moments that God is sending me reassurance. You know, the kind that makes you pause because you know He sees the exact place you’re standing in.
The verse was Matthew 6:33-34:
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
That last part stood out to me today: each day has enough trouble of its own.
It's not comforting at all. Honestly, it sounds exhausting. But maybe Jesus said it because He knew how often we would try to carry more than today was ever meant to hold?
Today had enough emotions of its own.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
Confusion.
Hope trying not to get crushed.
Faith trying to stand back up.
And then, on top of today, my mind wanted to run ahead into tomorrow.
What if I get my hopes up again?
What if the next clinic says something we aren’t ready to hear?
What if there are no answers and we're just categorized as "unexplained"?
What if this road never end?
But Jesus didn’t ask me to live all the way out there today.
He asked me to seek Him first. Here, on this day, with this news, in this body, with this heart.
My “I don’t know” Season
One line from the devotional settled deep in me: sometimes we have to walk through our “I don’t know” seasons with very little control over what’s happening.
And that is exactly what this season has felt like.
I don’t know how long this process will take.
I don’t know what the next clinic will say.
I don’t know what God is doing behind the scenes.
I don’t know why some steps seem to move forward only to lead to another waiting room.
But I do know this: not knowing the next step does not mean God has stepped away.
And that's the lesson I’m trying to hold onto.
Because my first instinct is to measure God’s faithfulness by forward movement. If something progresses, I feel hopeful. If something stalls, I feel forgotten. If a door opens, I feel seen. If we’re redirected, I start wondering if we’re falling behind.
But faith isn’t only built when the path is clear.
my faith is built right here. When the answer is “not yet,” when the plan changes, when the appointment ends differently than we hoped, when we have to trust God with the space between what we prayed for and what we’re living through.
We are disappointed, but not without hope.
One of the biggest things I've learned since starting our fertility treatments and IVF journey is that disappointment and faith are side by side with us on every road trip.
I can be disappointed today didn’t bring the clarity we wanted, and still believe God is good.
I can cry over another delay, and still trust that He is not wasting this time.
I can feel weary from the process, and still know that He is standing with us.
I can admit this is hard, and still believe that this hard time can become holy, that God is using us for something, even if we don't know what it is.
This whole situation hurts so bad.
But I know that God is here. He is teaching us to seek Him before we seek the solution. He is reminding us that comfort is not always found in getting the outcome we wanted, but in staying close to Him when we don’t understand the outcome we received.
Maybe this new referral is provision?
I don’t want to rush past the disappointment. I think it’s okay to say that today was hard.
But I also don’t want to miss the possibility that what felt like a setback may actually be protection. Or preparation. Or provision.
Maybe this referral is not a delay as much as it is direction.
Maybe God is guiding us to the right hands, the right wisdom, the right care, the right timing.
Maybe the long way is not the wrong way.
That doesn’t mean I won’t feel impatient. I probably will. I know I will because I'm not a very patient person. But it doesn’t mean I won’t have moments where I wish this journey was easier and more of a success story.
But it does mean I can bring all of that honestly to God and say, “I don’t know what You’re doing, but I want to stay close to You while You’re doing it.”
I ask that you pray for my husband and I while we wait for this next part.
Lord, I pray over the person that is reading this to have peace in Your name. I ask that you lay Your hand on them and bless beyond measure. God, I just ask that You give them a sign that You are with them today and that You hear their prayers.
Lord, I also ask that You help me not to despise the waiting just because I don’t understand it. Help me not to confuse a redirected step with a forgotten prayer. Teach me to seek You first, especially when my heart wants answers first. Make this hard season a holy time, a close-to-You time. And when I feel like this is too heavy to carry, remind me that You are already there because You already know our path. God, I know You are also right here with us today. Thank you, Jesus, for giving us the opportunity to share Your glory through our story.
Amen.
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