JALEY GRACE, 2019

In 2019, I found out I was pregnant with a little girl who we named Jaley Grace. At our first appointment they noticed a cyst on her neck that they were sure was going to go away. At our next appointment they told me it was actually getting bigger and her heart would likely not be able to function, but there was still a slight chance she could make it. Although, they expressed to me if she was to make it she would be very different in her appearance. We then later found out she also was missing an X chromosome.. Which meant she would likely have down syndrome or something of the sort. Knowing all of this of course didn't stop us from wanting her.

So, we kept on despite all of the high risk doctors advising us that we should terminate the pregnancy. At 23 weeks we found out her heart had stopped. It couldn't keep pumping as fast as it needed to, to keep her alive. I was absolutely devastated and beyond heartbroken. For days, and even weeks, I kept wondering what I had done wrong for this to happen. Wondering if the things I had done prior to finding out about being pregnant caused her to have those issues. 

At the time I didn't have a very big relationship with God but I did have so many questions as to why God would put this on me. But then as time went on I realized God had a reason, I choose to believe He saved her from this cruel, tough world. He knew she would be different and chose to let her skip all the hard and difficult things and people in this world and took her home with Him.

The hardest emotion I had to process was sadness and loneliness. Although I had so many people beside me, comforting me, I felt like I was dealing with it all alone. No one truly understood how sad I was and why I was so sad over it (or so at the time I thought). I honestly don't remember how I coped with my grief. It was such a dark time for me I think I chose to delete those memories. 

Feeling God’s presence in that time really wasn’t something I can honestly say happened for me. I may have and didn't realize or pay any attention to it. I did struggle majorly with doubt. As I said before, I had many questions but as time grew I realized I was looking at it the wrong way.

Realizing that God does things for a reason, and giving myself time to see the reasoning behind the things God puts in my path really helped me find a way to reconnect with Him. I don’t recall there being anything of the sort that brought much comfort to me back then but now I feel a connection to the song “I Can Only Imagine” of course I know it's about meeting God, but I also see it as getting to meet my daughter in Heaven. I also feel a connection to “Streets of Heaven” by Sherrie Austin. 

I feel God speaking to me everyday, through everything. I see so many things throughout my day that give me feelings of comfort that Jaley is watching over me. My faith changed a lot honestly, I had days where I didn't understand, and I got angry with God. But then there were days that I believed it happened for a greater reason. Honestly, everyday is still different for me, but I'm learning to continue believing in the greater reason.

My mother helped me the most through it all. She always knew the right thing to say or when to say nothing at all. She allowed me to just cry on her shoulder if that's what I needed. Support is not something I take much from. I’ve learned to handle everything pretty much on my own. Other than from my mom, I didn’t seek out much support. I never wanted anyone to feel sad for me. The people in my life then were mostly all very sad as well. My boyfriend at the time (Jaley’s father) really seemed as if it wasn't a big deal. He wasn’t there for me, never had any sadness, and didn’t even want to throw a memorial for her. He always said “you can’t say goodbye to someone you never met,” and I think that broke my heart almost as much as losing her did because HOW can you feel that way about losing your child? And HOW can you expect me to feel that way as well? That put my healing very low. He thought I should have been over it very quickly, and that made it even harder to heal. Everyone else tried to be there for me the best

they could, and that helped - knowing I had so many people there for me to get me through it, even though I didn’t see it then, I see it now.

In honor of Jaley and the short amount of time we had with her, I gathered my family and her father’s family, and we each wrote a note to her, put it in a balloon and let it go into the sky. I also have a keepsake box with pictures of her, her foot/hand pints and a few other things that the hospital made for me. Every year we celebrate her birthday, May 7th. My perspective on her life has always been the same really. She will always be my angel. I have 2 boys and expecting a baby girl in July, losing her is something that all of my kids will know about, they will know that God took her home to be with all the people in heaven that needed her. I teach my kids everyday about God, so I would say it helped me understand God’s plan, and to always leave it in his hands no matter the situation. It also taught me as a parent to hold onto the ones that were fortunate to make it here to be with me, and hold them close to me everyday and every night. Never take them for granted and love them endlessly. 

Of course I would have done the same with Jaley, but knowing that it can be taken just as fast as it was given is something I don’t take lightly.

“I understand what you are going through and I know how hard it is, I am here for a shoulder to cry on and I am here to sit in silence, whatever you may need.” 

I often wish I had known that all the pain I was going through was something no one could fix, but God could help me through it. I wish I had implanted myself in church more, and spoke with God more. I have seen God bring beauty from my ashes. The experience of losing a child put me in a very dark place in life, but I watched God bring me out of that dark place and put me into the life I have now. As I said before, everything God puts in your life is done for a reason, you just have to give him a chance to show you that reason. I wish on the biggest star that my Jaley could be here with me today, and we could be getting ready to celebrate her 6th birthday soon, but I also think that if those events hadn’t of happened I wouldn't have met my husband and took on six wonderful step-kids and I wouldn't have had these two AMAZING little boys that I have as well as expecting this little girl that I choose to believe Jaley sent to me. My life is beautiful, and I thank God and Jaley for that every single day!