Deserving Has Nothing to Do With It

A few days ago, a friend said something that’s been sitting heavy on my heart, and I've typed this and retyped this over and over the past few days because of how much it has affected me. She told me, “I feel like you deserve to get pregnant more than I do because you’ve experienced loss.”

And I just sat there for a moment, not even knowing how to respond right away. Because in that moment, all I could feel was love and heartbreak for both of us. Two women, standing side by side in different kinds of waiting, but hurting just the same.

And I told her I didn’t believe that. I don’t believe I am any more deserving than she is. She is a mom. But she is also a mom struggling with years of infertility.

Here’s what I want to say to every woman who’s ever had that thought: You are not less deserving because your story looks different.

Infertility doesn’t rank us.
Miscarriage doesn’t qualify us.
Loss doesn’t earn us extra credit.

We do not “deserve” pregnancy based on how long we’ve waited, how much we’ve cried, or how many appointments we’ve had. We don’t get to tally up heartbreak like points in some invisible game and say, “Okay, now I’ve earned a baby.”

I know

The truth is, deserving has nothing to do with it.

Because if it did, if pregnancy was something we could earn through effort, pain, or faithfulness, then wouldn’t that make God’s grace conditional? Wouldn’t that take away from the mystery of His timing and His plan?

I know I’ve been very open about our story. I share a lot about our miscarriages, the grief that followed, and this journey we’re on now with IVF. I talk often about rebuilding my faith after loss - not because I want pity or attention, but because I want you to know you’re not alone.

I made a decision a long time ago that if I had to walk through this pain, then I’d do it with purpose. I’d speak up for the women who are silently hurting. I’d put words to the ache they don’t know how to explain. I’d share the valleys and the victories. Because somewhere out there, someone is scrolling through their phone, wondering if anyone understands. And I want her to know that I do. God does.

Your grief doesn’t make you more worthy.
Your joy doesn’t make you less.
We are all walking through stories He is still writing, and not one of them is more valid than another.

So if you’ve ever felt “less deserving” because you haven’t experienced a loss like someone else... I want to remind you: your pain still matters. Your prayers are still heard.

And if you’ve ever felt “more deserving” because of how long or how hard you’ve waited... I see you, too. And I pray you never feel the weight of that pressure on your shoulders again.

Because this isn’t a contest. It’s not a race. It’s not about who has cried more or who has held on longer.

It’s about learning to hold space for one another.
To celebrate, to grieve, to hope, and to trust together.

We are all just daughters trying to hold onto faith in the middle of the unknown.

And if you ask me, we all deserve grace. We all deserve love. We all deserve hope.

But when it comes to pregnancy?

Deserving has nothing to do with it.
God does.